Stuck on my first love - The Boston Globe (2024)

Q. First dance, first kiss, and first love. It began in elementary school and we dated during most life stages: high school, college, post-college, and grad school. At each step, we came together with sparks, laughter, and joy beyond what I’ve known otherwise. Coming-of-age mistakes — that I imagine we’ve outgrown — kept us looping in and out of romance and friendship, until we left our 20s “just friends” with occasional calls, texts, and emails, which I continued to value. There was a foiled plot to visit Europe, and I’m a little fuzzy on what I believe was a marriage pact that expired.

I became engaged to a steady, nice partner with the goal of having children in my mid/late 30s. The ex/friend also married, though just two years ago, and I’ve heard chirps of doubts from their friends, supposedly which they expressed, too.

After more than a decade living states apart, this person unexpectedly moved nearby. We planned to get together as couples with another couple. A catch-up call, after years of only texting, turned into a couple hours chatting. Some old feelings bubbled up. “I wonder if we could be together again — like when we’re 80,” was stated and agreed with. Then I shared too much “love of my life” stuff, leading them to confirm they’re committed to their spouse and basically cut me out.

No one is the “love of your life” if they don’t feel the same way, though I wonder if they may come around. I’m struggling more with losing this favorite person, who seemed so close to finally being back on the table. Valuing my spouse and building up our adventures is something I want to do for them and our kids. I know, I’m so lucky to have them.

My spouse is aware of my untimely considerations and expresses understanding, which again, I know I’m lucky for. My conflicted feelings aren’t fair. I think the ex is an attachment I should get over, but I don’t have many close friends nearby, making it that much harder to give up the friendship. More fun with my family will be important, as is growing my network. What advice do you have on the best steps forward?

CONFLICTED

A. People who are magic to us when we’re young can seem that way forever. They’re supernatural. Powerful. Perfect.

That doesn’t mean we’d enjoy dating them in the present. You have no idea what it would be like to feel tired of this first love. To be annoyed by them. This person is capable of turning you off.

Focus on your actual partner — and on yourself. The friend comment you made seems important. Can you seek out other friends — even people you haven’t seen in years — who might provide a similar kind of back-and-forth?

Also, have you ever had a moment with one of your kids’ friends’ parents, where you and that person eye-rolled the same thing? Most of my best friends are people who looked annoyed when I felt the same way. Or they seemed happy when I was happy. I realized they might understand me, so I (or they) approached. Maybe there are some school-related groups you can join — or community organizations — that bring you to people who are also seeking new companions.

You’re thinking of this ex/friend as someone who can make your life feel exciting and whole. But they’re not the answer. No one can do that but you.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

I had a loose “marriage pact” with a flirty (but platonic) friend eons ago. You know what those are, right? You’re basically saying to someone “you’re my placeholder.” If both of you had been serious about marrying, you would have just done it.

DANGLEPARTICIPLE

Thankfully your childhood friend had the integrity and sense to declare he was committed to his wife. You seemed as if you really “settled” for your husband (participation trophy) because he was nice, stable (boring?), and you wanted children. Very sad. If he knows this whole story as you claim, it must be heartbreaking for him to carry on and try to save the family while you are lost in a mental Disney movie.

AUNTTIGGYWINK

You use passive language, like someone is forcing your hand and things are just “happening” to you. If you’re not ready to accept the role you have played in cheating on your spouse (yes, what you have described is cheating, and you played an active role in pursuing that), then no one can help you.

BONECOLD

Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.